Bret Brew: Rock of Love 2 Power Rankings

Crisp, refreshing, full bodied, and full of pep. Bret brew gets right to you; it makes you do things, like love, a whole lot. With tons of physical and emotional attatchments, Bret is up to his ears in stress. He is looking every which way for answers right now, and there's nobody to give it to him, well, except me.
After this most recent episode, where the ladies are put on horses, then in the dark, then in the bedroom, Bret has no idea what to do, and I don't blame him.
With 7 ladies left, the only thing to do is rank them... let's start with the 7th, Inna.


7. Inna
O.K., Bret, she's really big boned. We're talking large, Ukranian, meaty, meaty bones. She would crush me into a million pieces. You called her a tank for goodness sakes. How could that possibly be fun, I mean, she would trounce you and demolish you in the bedroom. There's no denying it, she's one hardcore comrade general's manly daughter. If I encountered her, I'd be scared. I am scared right now. You're probably scared. Do the right thing here.


6. Jessica
Bret, this girl is entirely too innocent. Stop kidding yourself, there's no white picket fence in your future, no tea time in the afternoon. You're not going on a sunday jaunt to Lowe's for some house plants. You rock, fuck, and do drugs. Do you think she's going to raise your kids proper? Your kids are going to be such reckless party animals she will be ripped to shreds. Oh, but she wants to be ravaged you say. She's going to be about as fun as a picture of an old bridge in the bedroom. Clip her.


5. Destiney
Wow, she's an idiot Bret. I know she's a rocker, but this chick's been fucked three ways towards the weekend. I've never seen boobs that ravaged before; she's all used up like a Swiffer Wet Jet throw-away towel. Sure, she could fight off the many other rocker chicks that go after you on your unbelievable comeback tours with Poison, but get real, she sucks. Destiney Michaels? Please.


4. Megan
I get it; she's hot. But, newsflash, she was one of the beauty girls in Beauty and the Geek. I honestly think there's nothing there inside her head. Nothing at all. Well, let's get real, maybe there's an extacy desintegrated, peanut sized neuron collection with no divisions wrapped up in a pink bow. I would love to have sex with her; I'm with you there Bretty baby.


3. Ambre
She's the sleeper, no doubt about it. She's full of smiles. Smiles beam across her face like a bright spring day everytime she says any word at all. Under her interests she lists: friends, my career, and other such generic non-meaningless things. Happy Ambre happy day Bret is great! She does have quite the fire when playing mud football though, which is definitely hot. Bret, I like where you're going with this one; I'm glad she squeaked by in the first round.


2. Daisy
Well, well, well, if it isn't miss sex kitten herself. If she was with me, I would let her wear anything she wanted, whenever she wanted. She is hot in such wrong ways that it's so right. The only reason why she wouldn't make it all the way is because she asks way too many meaningless questions about nothing. "Wait, no, she's not hot," O.K., clearly you've forgotten about the special undies episode. In the words of Bret Michaels, "Oh dear Jesus." Enough said. Bam.


1. Kristy Joe
We all saw this coming. The old I love you I hate you but you're so hot that I love you routine. She is super duper hot. Bret, you have to take this girl, c'mon. She is like, so hot. Her one downfall is that she looks like frankenstein in the morning. She looks like the lettuce that has been left out a few days. You still eat it, but only when it's been re-washed and smothered with dressing. Look, facts are facts, and she is one hot mama.

Reality TV is Taking Over My Life

Wow, where to begin? Flavor of Love 3 has burst onto the scene with an unbelievable first episode. Rock of Love 2 has remained calm and collected on its quest for the best reality show on television. MTV has been releasing new X Effects, and they are charging ahead with the Real World/Road Rules Challenge Gauntlet III.
It's enough to give me a chubby just writing about it.

Let's start with the big guy: Flavor Flav and the third installment of his groundbreaking show, Flavor of Love. Flav has been upfront in making sure we know that he's never going to go through this again. Thus, I expect this season is going to have all the crazy and flashy Flav attitude that we have come to expect from my baby boy Flav. In a flurry of excitement VH1 let us take a little peek at what's going to happen this season and I just about fell over with exhiliration. I'm waiting on the edge of my seat, quivering with longing and anticipation.

Negatives so far? Well, let's face it guys, we really blew it with the internet girls. How could we do that to him man? Peachy most definitely wasn't a Flavor of Love girl, and where did she get that crown? Did she bring it with her? Just one of the many mysteries floating listlessly in Flav's world. But why? Because we're on Flav's time, not ours. Wowwwwwwwww. Predictions? I bet he keeps Prancer to the end, and Shy's going to be quite the hooligan!

(As a side note; will Shy get her own show? She's going after one, that's for sure. Good luck baby girl.)

But, as sweat drips down the side of my face, and my eyes nearly jump out at the TV, Rock of Love 2's new episode begins. Brett Michaels, Daisy, Kristy Joe, Destiny... fighting, loving, living. Brett has so many emotional connections I don't even know where in tarnation to look next. This week was especially frightening when the whole world watched as Brett nearly got rid of Daisy but shocked the foundations of my life by keeping all the girls.

But at least Kristy Joe is real, or is she? Der, of course she is we're all on her side. But Daisy is just so adorable that she could win too. You know what, I'd be happy if either won, but if Inna wins I'll eat my hat!

In any case, VH1 has been making a strong push for television supremacy. MTV has, with all due respect, been floundering around like a trout lately. Historically it has been that when the latest Real World drops off, MTV drops off the radar for a few months while it collects itself. The Gauntlet III though, has been pulling its weight and carrying MTV on its back. Evan, Coral, and C.T. all on one team? Now that's television. It's only a matter of time before the Veteran squad bursts into a million star bits. Can Frank hold the Rookies together long enough to let it happen? I can't even brush my teeth I'm so giddy with anticipation.

But, what has come out of nowhere as the sleeper of late is the new round of X Effects. Everytime I turn on the TV, I just want to see smiling faces ruin people's lives over and over. A show set up to ruin people's lives! How much better can you get? Split, ruin, resolution. That's the way it works honeybun.

Overall, this week in television has been a rollercoaster of love. Everyone's trying to find it, but nobody can. But somewhere, deep in there, there's a glimmer of hope. That little sparkle in my eye that keeps me watching day in and day out, inundating my mind with such force, that, maybe, just maybe, I will explode into the atmosphere.